


i love him, but only on my own

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, dan howell's mother (mentioned), this is short and sad idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 19:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20431556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: liking boys is terrifying, but in the cold night air, everything is a little more bearable.





	i love him, but only on my own

**Author's Note:**

> i saw les mis today and it was incredible and that one line hit me w some dan angst apparently so i wrote this on the train home 
> 
> just also want to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who nominated me for best writer for @queerdaniel's phandom awards on tumblr, it was completely unexpected and i nearly cried :') i cant really believe that enough people have read and enjoyed my writing enough to think i deserve that 
> 
> this ones for you! enjoy <3 
> 
> title from on my own from les miserables

It's become a weird habit, sneaking out the back door every night when he can't sleep. It's not really something he could've imagined himself doing six months ago. But six months is a long time, and things are changing fast. Crazy fast.   
  
It's almost like time stops at night. The air is cold and still, there's no one around. There's something he finds really peaceful about being completely alone. He's away from wandering eyes, he's away from the harsh expectations he feels at home. He can breathe the fresh, early morning air and finally think the things he doesn't dare to think about in the daylight, where people could see. Things like how he's really struggling to keep up the charade that he's into his girlfriend. Or how the guy he talks to on skype is really cute and won't stop flirting with him. Dan doesn't want him to stop flirting.   
  
Maybe that's the scariest part, liking boys. Liking _this_ boy in particular. When it was just boys, he could contain it. He could pretend it was just a phase, he's a horny teenager, of course he's into anything that moves. So what if he finds a guy attractive? Now there's a face to match his feelings to, and he can't deny it any more. It's fucking terrifying.   
  
At least, at night, in the cold, crisp air, he doesn't have anyone he needs to pretend to. There are no jokes yelled, no punches thrown, no disappointed looks. Those are the worst. He's never let on to his family that he's not straight, but he knows his father knows. He hates it. His mother tells him his father loves him and wants what's best for him. Maybe she's right. Maybe he does love Dan. But he hates that part of him, and it burns a hole into Dan's heart.   
  
He wants to message Phil, ask if he's awake, but he knows what he really wants is to be completely isolated from reality. Phil is a safe place for him to be held and comforted. The night is the safe place for him to run and be free. There's a difference between these two worlds, and he doesn't want them to intertwine.   
  
He remembers the first time he did this. It was scary as hell. Raining quick and heavy. He remembers the pang in his chest when Phil had said goodbye and slipped in a quick, quiet "love you". It hurt in a way that felt like maybe he loved Phil back. And it made him feel sick. He remembered feeling the need to run. To get out and breathe air that didn't make his chest tighten in shame and panic. It was a feeling he'd felt before, something he'd pushed down so far in the hopes that he'd never feel it again. He hated that he was gay. He just wanted to be normal.   
  
In the dark, he could pretend it was okay. The rain on his skin had been a comfort, the loneliness a blessing. He could tell himself that one day he would live in a world where it was okay to be gay, where people like him could be happy instead of being beaten to the ground. It was a beautiful, impossible fantasy.   
  
He remembers returning home that night, dripping from head to toe and shivering. He had hoped in his heart of hearts that his mother would be there, at the kitchen table, a mug of hot chocolate ready to greet him and a towel to wrap around his shoulders, telling him it'd all be okay in the end. He'd been met with nothing but cold silence. The loneliness had hit him, then. A different kind of loneliness. One that hurt like hell and reminded him of the shame he carries.   
  
He's doing better, he thinks. He gets braver with Phil on skype, he flirts over twitter and allows himself to fall a little more. And on the hard, sleepless nights, he sneaks out the door to the open freedom of the night. He lets himself breathe in the open air and imagine a world where every day feels as free as this one night does. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed it! come scream about dan and phil (or les mis!) at @panlesters on tumblr


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